trying to be happy.

I had a pretty awful morning this morning, that involved an argument with my father, a little anger toward my boyfriend, and skipping math class. I guess I should probably have just done my business and gone to class, but I wasn't even in the Jones Building by the time my class started at 8, and I didn't want to come in late with a puffy red face. One or the other, sure, but both? No.
Anyway, I am pretty sure I am going to go insane if I don't get my car soon. Seriously. All the 'festivities' of my morning would never have occured if I could just afford a car. People have no idea how lucky they are to have simple things, like a paid-for car (or even just something they can afford to make payments on.) Not having a car is seriously the biggest hurdle I've ever had to face in my life, and I am not being melodramatic.
Think of this: I've never gone anywhere completely alone. I'm at the mercy of others, so I am often late for things like class, events, etc. I am left out of things frequently because if my friends can't or won't go (and pick me up), I can't go. I spend more on gas money, giving it to others, than I would for myself. I can't get a job until I get a car, and my self-employed father has to take me to school every day. COLLEGE.
Being broke is a vicious cycle. Your parents are broke, they can't afford to send you to private school and/or buy you a car. So you can't work, and you have to ride the bus until you find great friends or you graduate. Even if you're a senior. Your parents can't afford to send you to college, and even if you get Pell grant, you still can't afford to go anywhere 'good' (I'm not speaking poorly of Macon State, I am just saying I never had the opportunity to go anywhere else.) You have to go straight to work, or to tech school and get a low-paying job. You have kids. The cycle starts again. It takes a lot of hard work and adversity to rise above that and break the cycle, which I'm trying really hard to do.
My mother isn't in the picture, no help from her at all. My dad is finally buying me a car, but business in August is always slow as all hell, so I am still waiting. I'm not ungrateful; don't get me wrong. I am just so sick of making everyone help me out. I want to be self sufficient. I want to be able to say "I feel like going to do this.", and just go do it without having to bum a ride or drag an unwilling boyfriend along. And I want to be able to finally get a real job, and make money (I worked for my dad, I mentioned he was self employed, this summer. I saved up a lot, and I've spent the vast majority of it on textbooks and gas money.) on a regular basis. Normal things people don't really think twice about are all I really want.
I am so tired of feeling guilty for having to be so selfish. Most of the time, I think I should have probably waited another semester (or another year!) to go to college, so I wouldn't have to rely on people to take me to Macon (I live about 30 minutes away, a little less) and then hear them complain about it, thus making me feel so much worse. I just want to sink into the ground and dissappear, sometimes.
Since this entire blog was depressing, I am going to post a list of happy things, starting NOW:

• kittens
• crayons
• cutting a sheet of construction paper
• orange sherbert
• hot tea
• Chuck Palahniuk books
• good documentaries
• pens that write perfect and smooth
• the smell of the hardware store
• slushies from Target
• anything from Target
• 75% off sales
• Diet Dr. Pepper
• big giant purses
• birthday cake
• musical theatre
• the 'h' in my name
• braiding my boyfriend's hair
• peggle and tetris
• sharpie markers in every color
• coloring books
• getting my nails done
• gladiator sandals
• peach fuzz
• tattoos
• TATTOOS, did I mention tattoos?
• not having writer's block/artist's block
• making faces at dogs in cars
• big fuzzy blankets
• pygmy marmocets
• naps
• new soap/body wash

There is a lot to be happy about and/or grateful for.

I've got to remember that.